Saturday, October 1, 2011

what a choice we have.

in high school, waymond used to always ask me why i was so happy. he told my constant smiling was ridiculous, but i knew that he loved it. i didn't particularly excel in any subjects or activities in high school. but that never really phased me. i had my group. i belonged to something. i was happy. life was good. it didn't seem like i had that many friends but now, looking back, i did. i started and ended every school day with my best friend since we carpooled. i ate dinner with my family every night. i could see and feel and touch all of the love around me. 

college was so very different. it took me a long time to make friends. for a while there, i wondered if i ever would. and the process of moving from acquaintances to friends to real friends was lengthy. it was hard to stay in touch with my best friends from high school. and it was even harder to realize that we'd never probably be that close again. but oh, i made such wonderful friends my freshman year. and then in my sophomore year, i finally found somewhere for me. i started to feel like i actually belonged at school. i had a purpose besides just taking tests and going to class. i started getting really involved in the catholic center and worked in university housing. i had real friends that i could count on. they knew how crazy i was and still wanted to spend time with me (although, the spanish final of 2010 was a close call for some). 

nursing school is different. again, i feel like i don't really belong here. and these past week has been the hardest. it's more than not just being prepared enough for my tests and being disappointed in my grades. it's this sadness that engulfs me. this jealously and pride that fills me up. this feeling of looking around at church and wishing i saw a familiar face. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to be lonely. i don't want to mope around. 

i want to be happy. and the more i want that happiness, i realize that it is a choice. i can choose to dwell on the loneliness i feel. or instead, i can look up and realize that i'm not alone. i am loved. You love me. why can't that be enough for me. i still belong to someone. who loves me even when i can't figure out how to love myself. 

"happiness is not in us, nor is happiness outside of us. happiness is in God alone. and if we have found Him, then it is everywhere." - blaise pascal

4 friskies:

Kailin said...

Spanish final 2010 was no close call. I'm here for todo. :)

Kendall said...

I love you Allison! You're going to do great in nursing school and you will find your niche! I will pray for peace and comfort for you during the upcoming weeks!

Kristen said...

Dear beautiful Allison! I love you dearly. I know we did not get to know each other well at school but you are definitely a role model for me. You shine with the love of God.

oh and about seeing people at church, you see the Trinity (that is like three in one) all the angels and saint, and the MBOC everyone who is part of the Body of Christ, everyone who ever is or was part of the Church.

And nursing school there is suffering, being a student means there is suffering. however, "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking* in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church" Colossians 1:24

Caitlin said...

i totally, totally agree that happiness is a choice. moving is hard and nursing school is even harder, but everything gets easier with time. love you and miss you!